Not Everything “Golden” is “Gold”

(published in the Arizona Daily Star, June 27, 2021)

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

This, the Golden Rule, sounds simple enough … kind enough. It lends itself to all kinds of memes — say, a fatherly type leaning over to help a small boy trying not to cry. It could also be a cute little girl offering her favorite teddy bear to a grandparent who is bedridden. Or one animal licking the face of some other animal in pain.

The Golden Rule is about empathy. It is about the sense that we know what suffering is all about and, because we know what it feels like, we want to help others who are suffering.

I try not to be cynical. “Sure,” I think, “What it really means is that ‘whoever has the gold, gets to rule.’” That does not mean that is not true, but that is a different kind of gold. Empathy is about wanting to alleviate suffering in others. This 24-carat kind of gold is about making sure I enjoy myself as much as possible, even if it means others suffer quite a lot.

But even as I resist my “Bah! Humbug!” impulses, I still wonder just how much that teddy bear is going to help that grandparent. Yes, that senior is likely to smile, albeit weakly, and feel some comfort with this child’s genuine caring and affection, but there might also be the fatigue of needing to put on a brave face so as not to frighten this little one … and to show that this gesture was appreciated. That, too, is the Golden Rule in action.

Even so, as narcissistic as any only child, I put myself in that and similar situations. I am in pain, sick or grieving. Whatever misery I am experiencing, I would not want to add to it by needing to help someone else feel better with the delusion that someone is helping me.

It would be ideal if I could just sleep but, if I can’t, I don’t want to be seen as someone in need. I would not mind real help that would actually make me feel better, but anything smacking of pity is just going to make things worse, and nothing says pity like a teddy bear from a pouting little girl, even if she is my granddaughter. Like Greta Garbo, “I want to be alone.”

For example, in the Jewish tradition there is the ritual of sitting shiva. Essentially it means that to console someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, the mourner is to stay home for a week and receive visitors who will offer support by coming by to talk, share meals and pray together.

This can be a wonderful practice that has helped families and communities in times of great sadness for hundreds, maybe thousands, of years.

For someone like me, though, it is the worst possible thing in the world. I recently lost my mother and what I wanted — what I needed — to do was to take care of whatever needed to be done with as few distractions as possible.

If I needed practical advice, I asked for it, but the last thing that would be comforting would be people offering condolences while I just sat around for an entire week. That, however well intentioned, for me is just a drain on precious energy and time.

As curmudgeonly as that may sound, consider the context of the Golden Rule. If I am to do unto others as I would have them do unto me, when someone is in pain, sick or grieving, logically I should leave that person alone. Most would jump to the conclusion that that would be uncaring, hard-hearted and even inhuman.

But, for me, isn’t it presumptuous for anyone to think someone else wants and needs to be treated the way I want and need to be treated?

It reminds me of the cartoon caption “’Here! Now you will be safe,” said the monkey as he carefully placed the fish up a tree.” What is good for the goose may be good for the gander, but the same does not hold true for monkeys and fish.

Therefore, it seems to me that the Golden Rule as commonly understood and applied is really a sort of pyrite.

If we treat others the way we want to be treated, we are assuming that others are just like us, which is seldom helpful and not even nice at all.

If we’re going to take the issue seriously, a truly golden rule would be something like “Do unto others as they would have done unto them.” In other words, the spirit of empathy should lead to respect first and only then can it lead to behavior that can be appreciated and … well … golden.

I know my methods of coping with suffering may not be considered normal and that I may very well be a fish out of water. Even so, if we really want to benefit our fellow human beings, we might start by respecting our differences and not treating them like fish out of water.